I gotta get me one of these

The new Newcastle United strip.

Everyone's a fan. Ask Rob.
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This is the new strip unveiled by Newcastle for the upcoming 2011/12 season. 
Now all they need to do  is find 11 players good enough to play in it.


SS.

Part time klepto, full time rugby player.

There are two weeks left before the much anticipated, hotly-disputed, bizarrely-implemented, Aussie-induced inaugural Super 15 playoffs.

Its the only league competition in world sport (that I am aware of) where you can finish 11th out of 15 teams and still make it to a quarter final.

This is all thanks to the Aussies. They have not had a decent team in Super Rugby since the Brumbies of '04, headed by those two twats, Larkham and Gregan.

As a result of this, the Aussies have got it right to get an extra team (The Melbourne Rebels, who are shyyyyte) into the Super 15 competition. Expanding the number of teams from 14 to 15, in hopes of increasing their chances of a Super Rugby title.

Each country now has 5 teams in the competition, with the new rule that each country will have an automatic quarter finalist, no matter if they finish outside the top 6 in the league, being implemented.

We're not that bad? Actually lads, we're pretty fucken shit ! 

The system has bizarrely worked out though in its first season, with the Reds, Stormer's and Blues occupying the first 3 places. All 3 teams are there on merit and not due to their geographic location.

The Reds have arguably been the best team so far in this years competition. Which is hard to admit, being a proud South African and Stormer's fan. The Reds have a key combination at 9 and 10, with Will Genia and Quade Cooper at the heart of all the great plays produced by the Reds this season so far.

Kleptomaniac

Quade Cooper (who was arrested in 2010 for burgling a house), especially, has been pivotal in the Red's surge to the top of Super Rugby. It's thanks to his form for the Reds that the other Aussie teams blushes have been spared and we don't have to see a team in 11th place qualify for the quarter finals only to lose by cricket score.

Still, the system is outlandish and bizarre. It might have worked this time round but it's certainly going to infuriate supporters of teams, who in the future, miss out on a quarter final place as a result of this new format.

A wise man once said, "Convicts will never be Gentleman". Or was that my flatmate? Mmmm.

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Not sure how the new S15 format works? Check it out on www.superxv.com/format  

This weekends fixtures (10 & 11 June):

1. Chiefs v Hurricanes

2. Brumbies v Rebels

3. Crusaders v Blues

4. Waratahs v Highlanders

5. Force v Reds

6. Lions v Sharks

7. Stormers v Bulls                  

SS.

Money can buy you more than love

There is a new trend amongst British footballers. Have an affair with a smoking hot model/actress/socialite and cover it all up with a super injunction.

The definition of a super injunction:

"An injunction obtained in the secret convening of the court where in the result, the court file, the names of the parties and even the terms of the injunction order are secret except as between the parties, counsel, the judge and the court staff"

Thank you dictionary. In layman's terms, if any form of public media expose the "dirty business" these footballers get up to, they get sued for a lot of money.

So, if you are a rich footballer who can't keep his dick in his pants and happen to shag the flavour of the month and want to prevent the world (never mind your wife and 2 kids) from finding out, you pay your lawyers and the courts lot of money to impose a super injunction.

Culprit

The clear message to society then is: if you are stinking rich you can have affairs. If you're poor, you're fucked.

I don't want to mention the footballers name in this post (who knows, maybe they're watching, haha, that's a negative) with the latest case involving what many regarded to be the role model in British football.

It's believed that the footballer concerned had a 7 month affair with former Big Brother house mate, Imogen Thomas (pictured below). Portraying himself as a family man, being married with 2 children, he logically imposed a super injunction to prevent the news spreading.

Whoa! Are those free range?

However, social network site Twitter was spreading the news faster than Michael Schumacher in a Bugatti Veyron on the Autobahn.

Jokes about the affair have already circulated, with 2 catching my attention.

The first belongs to Jimmy Carr who posted on Twitter, "They say money can't buy you love. That's not true, it'll not only buy you love but a super injunction so no one finds out".

Another tweet read, "I tried to download the new Imogen Thomas sex tape but it was 11 gig's".

Oops, that slipped.

The super injunction law seems a bit outrageous, allowing theses cavalier footballers to act without a certain amount of consequence . I understand that everyone has the right to their privacy but if you are in the public eye you need to obey certain moral standards or suffer the consequences.

Look at poor Tiger.
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SS.

Funny hats, water bombs and white Maseratti's

Mario Balotelli is a 20 year old Italian footballer. In 2010 he moved to Manchester City from Inter Milan for £24 million. He earns £100,000 a week and drives a white Maserati.

£100,000 A week is a lot of money. For anyone, let alone a 20 year old.

HOT!!!!

Balotelli's relatively short career has been nothing short of conversational. He's outspoken, arrogant and at times can portray himself as a spoiled brat, on and off the field.

He played for Inter Milan, albeit being an outspoken, lifelong AC Milan fan. Inter's bitter rivals. No surprise then when he went on national television wearing an AC Milan shirt whilst still being an Inter player.

Playing for City

On Sunday, he was caught on camera throwing water bombs (with his brother Enoch) at a meeting of Serie A clubs in Milan. He should've been at the Manchester City end of season dinner (where he was named young player of the season) but had excused himself for personal reasons.

He has been fined £300,000 this season for various misdemeanours, including throwing darts at the Man City youth team. This is the type of shit he does. It's classic.

Balotelli's talent cannot be questioned

He doesn't just cause shit though. After winning £25,000 in a Manchester casino he gave a beggar £1,000. He has also been seen to give away £20 notes to guys selling the Big Issue without even taking the magazine.

So, the troubled young striker clearly has a softer side. Good for him. He also has a unique sense of style, starting a trend in Manchester after wearing a hat that looks like cow's udders.

Trend setter?

Personally, I like this guy. He wears funny hats, throws water bombs and gives to the poor. A modern day Robin Hood meets Crusty the Clown. What's not to like?

Don't answer that.
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Balotelli made his full Italian debut in 2010 against the Ivory Coast.


SS.

Get that man a Bells

The Chennai Super Kings(CSK) are the most successful team in the history of the IPL. With last nights victory over the Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB), the defending champions are due to play in their 3rd final since the league's inception just four years ago.

The reason for this consistency can be debated. CSK have a great squad, with strength and depth in every department, a calm and disciplined coaching setup but over and above that, they have the coolest captain in world cricket.

A helmet? For what?

Mahendra Singh Dhoni is calmer under pressure than the dude in the Hurt Locker disarming those bombs. He opitimises cool and instils a sense of self belief in his team mates. This was clear last night as CSK pulled off an unlikely 6 wicket win over the RCB from the jaw's of defeat.

After 6 overs CSK were 25/2, needing 151 runs from the remaining 14 overs at 11 runs per over. Game over? I don't think so. Up steps Suresh Raina, scoring 73 not out of just 50 balls.

A Raina 6

At the 6 over mark and before the run chase began in earnest, Dhoni (who himself scored 29 off 19 balls himself) wasn't seen to be holding his head in his hands, wasn't seen to be biting his nails, no, he was smiling and sharing a joke with a fellow team mate whilst padding up.

This type of "cool under pressure" behaviour has become synonymous with Dhoni's leadership. His teams don't panic. Nothing is impossible. Besides his leadership, his contributions with the bat and gloves behind the stumps are invaluable to say the least.

His skill and bat speed are unique. He has the most skillful wrists in world cricket, allowing him to play shots no other can. If his wrists were his legs, Usain Bolt would be in trouble, they're that quick.

Never has the joke, "his so cool, he shits ice blocks" defined one man. Forget the Bells, get this man a Castle Light.

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The win for CSK was also due to the contribution from SA's own Albie Morkel, who scored 28 off 10 balls, including hitting the winning runs with a 6.
Chennai will now play in the final against the winner of Mumbai v Kolkatta, in Chennai, where they have not lost this season in 7 games.

Albie

SS.

A real surfer always has wax

I started surfing 18 months ago. I have been hooked ever since. Although I am still a rookie (or kook in surfers terms), my skill levels are increasing steadily.

A few months after starting I decided to take a drive out to Milnerton, the waves were 1 to 2ft, with a nice gentle offshore blowing, conditions were perfect for learning.

Wax on. Wax off.

I suited up, grabbed my board and as I was running down to the beach I realised that I had no wax on my board. Rookie error, I admit. There were plenty of surfers around, so I went up to this older guy (maybe in his early 50's) in the parking lot who had just finished his surf, and I asked;

"Hey man, can I please borrow some wax?"

He looked at me reluctantly for a few seconds and then gave the following response;

"A real surfer always has wax."

Not the answer I was expecting. After an awkward few seconds, he threw some wax at me. I smeared my board quick and thin, thanked him and was on my way. I didn't want this wankers wax on my board but I didn't have much choice.

This response opitimises the attitude and arrogance that I have found surfers to have. In the Western Cape at least, that is. Rarely is there any greeting of any kind in the water. I get that okes don't paddle out to have a social gathering but a little common courtesy and a smile to a fellow bru in the water isn't gonna kill you.

Sharks will.

Surfing in Sea Point a few months ago I was struck on the head by a fellow surfer's board. I was fine. He was not. Once he found out that I was OK, he insisted that I pay for the repair to his damaged board. After refusing to do so (as it was an accident), he then tried to get me to agree to pay for half the repair.

I paddled out after that. In disbelief.

Note to self (whether you're just starting out or you're a seasoned veteran), if you want you want to be a real surfer, always have your own wax.

Kelly doing his thing.

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In 2010, Kelly Slater won his 10th World Title reinforcing his status as the best surfer ever. 
He started 2011 where he left off previously, winning the first event of the ASP World Tour and is currently in 1st place after 2 events.
Jordy Smith, South Africa's hope at a World Cahmpion is currently 3rd overall.
There are 9 events left.

SS.

That Punch

And they say rugby isn't a barbaric sport. Well, for Leicester Tiger's number 13, Manu Tuilagi it is.

Check out the 3 hit combo on youtube (search Tuilagi Punch), the action starts 27 seconds in.

I Punch You

Tuilagi received an initial 10 week ban, later reduced to 5 weeks as he was deemed to have been provoked.

Whatever!

You can't retaliate like that in today's era of professional sport. His ban is light considering the violent nature of this attack.
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Result, 14 May 2011
Leicester 11 - Northampton 3
Leicester qualify for the Finals to play against Saracens on 28 May 2011

SS.