Who wants to be a billionaire?

Chelsea Football Club have a new manager. He is 33 year old, Portuguese national, Andre Villas-Boas. He is no stranger to Chelsea, having worked at the club previously with Jose Mourinho.

Villas-Boas has been head hunted for the Chelsea job after a successful season with Portuguese Club Porto, in which they won the UEFA Europa League and the domestic Supa Liga.

Villas-Boas

Dutchman, Guus Hiddink was originally the bookmakers favourite to get the Chelsea job. However, Roman Abramovich, the Chelsea owner, had other ideas. Villas-Boas, still contracted by Porto had a contract release clause of  £13 million, which Abramovich duly paid to get his man.

Life is just so much easier when you're a billionaire. Right?

Abramovich, a Russian oil, gas and steel tycoon is Forbes magazines 53rd richest man in the world with an estimated worth of $14 billion. He bought Chelsea in 2003 and has invested £600 million into the club.

The Chel-ski Empire

For all his money in all of his bank accounts, the one thing Abramovich has not been able to buy is patience. Chelsea have had 5 managers in the last 4 years:

Jose Mourinho - the classic, you're fired, you can't fire me, I quit scenario here.
Avram Grant - fired
Luiz-Felipe Scolari - fired
Carlo Ancelotti - fired
Ray Wilkins (head coach) - fired

All of the above mentioned, cost roughly a combined £50 million to get rid of. Okay, the guy is rich. He has cash. I mean check what he spent in a fancy New York restaurant on a 79 minute lunch with his son and 4 business associates.

$ 52 215 with an extra tip

He apparently didn't finish his tiramisu and gave the table dining next to him, half a bottle of the $10 000 Chateau Petrus. That is a bill of R365 500 including a tip of R86 261 for the lucky waitron. Holy fucking christ!

It's not like Chelsea haven't had success since Abramovich has been owner. They have won 3 EPL Titles and 3 FA Cup's but what Abramovich craves is European glory. He wants the UEFA Champions League. Badly.

Hence the frantic spending of £50 million on players like Fernando Torres (transferred from Liverpool to Chelsea) and the chopping and changing of the managerial post in search for his prize.

Torres swapping red for blue

So the pressure is on Villas-Boas then. He needs to deliver results straight away. Firstly though, he needs to gain the respect of superstars like Frank Lampard and Didier Drogba, who are his age.

Good luck to him.

Getting back to my title question then. Who wants to be a billionaire?

More like, who doesn't?
______________________________________________________________________

SS.

Double agent

You would be forgiven for thinking that Ricky Januarie was a Bulls player in a Stormers jersey on Saturday. The guy was dismal. I counted three knock-on's from him within the first 10 minutes of the game.

He looked out of sorts, clueless and over weight. Arguably, there is no more pathetic player in the S15. The mere fact that he posses 49 Springbok caps is a joke. It really is a mystery how he keeps getting selected.

His poor handling of the ball, aimless kicking and visible indecision contributed heavily towards the Stormers first loss to South African opposition in this seasons S15. Collectively the Stormers were terrible with their line-outs a shambles. Januarie, however, was just the nail in the coffin.

KFC for dinner?

Brian Habana too was well below par, yet again. His form very worrying with the World Cup less than 100 days away. At this stage, Habana couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pigs vagina. He is that poor.

Besides Habana's season long poor form and Januarie's incompetence, the Stormers still have the fate of their season firmly in their own hands. They need a win (with a bonus point) against the Cheetahs to secure a home playoff place.

The chances of the Stormers winning the S15 outright depends heavily on the fitness of both Peter Grant and Dewald Duvenhage, the key No. 9 & 10 combination.

If Januarie has any part to play in the Stormers up coming fixtures, we, as Stormers fans can kiss our chances of winning, good-bye.

As far as I'm concerned, Lyon, Januarie is all yours.
______________________________________________________________________
Januarie has signed a 2 year contract to join Lyon in France, which has caused tremendous celebration in SA. 
Hopefully Newlands will never have to see this blunt instrument ever again.


SS.

How to increase your self-esteem

Imagine you weighed 110 kg's and were 6 foot 4 inches tall. Added to this, you're a rugby player for both the Canterbury Crusader's and the All Black's, built with a physique like Leonidas from the feature film 300.

You're Fucking Wow!

Loud Noises

Meet Sonny Bill Williams (SBW). He is all of the above and wait for it, more. This 25 year old, converted Muslim, is also pursuing a career in heavy weight boxing. Impressive? Yes, if you don't fight the handicapped.

With the Canterbury Crusaders having a bye week in the S15 this past weekend, SBW was given permission to take part in his 4th professional heavy weight boxing match.

And introducing his opponent, in the red corner: 

" All the way from Tonga, 43 year old gospel singer, Alipate Liava'a"

Did I mention that Liava'a was currently on welfare for a disability that prevents him from working. Oh, and he is a gospel singer! So a fitting opponent then. Not.

Fair Fight?

SBW won this fight in 6 rounds, on a points decision and has donated all his earnings from the fight to the relief for the Christchurch earthquake that happened a few months ago. Liava'a earned about NZ$ 6,000 and plans to finance a gospel album. 

You have to question SBW's self-esteem for even wanting to enter into the ring with his opponent. At least fight someone your age and not 18 years your senior with a disability and that looks like Fat Joe (remember him).

Fat and not Phat

SBW conversion to the Islam faith comes as a result of many problems experienced, both on and off the rugby field. He had, according to him and amongst others, a serious problem with alcohol. What better way then to quit your bad habits than converting to one of the many radical faith's which ban you from doing just about everything.

This guy has issues. He might be a good-to-nearly-great rugby player but he is a shit boxer and needs to speak to a psychologist.

Boom!

______________________________________________________________________

SS.

Go on Gazza, go on son.

On January 21st 1994 I woke up early to watch South Africa play Australia at the MCG on the tele. I was 10 years old. In that game, Gary Kirsten scored his first ODI 100. I'll never forget it. A winning performance.

His playing career spanned 11 years. He held the records for the highest Test score (275) by a South African, highest ODI score (188*) in a World Cup as well as becoming the first player to score a 100 against all 9 Test playing nations.

Kirsten's last Test for SA

In 2008 he took up the role as head coach of he Indian cricket team. Three years later, India won the ODI World Cup on home soil. The games greats, Sachin Tendulkar and Mahendra Singh Dhoni praised Kirsten for his unique and humble approach to coaching a team filled with superstars.

Winning the World Cup

On Monday, Cricket South Africa (CSA) announced that Gary Kirsten would be filling the vacant post of South African cricket coach. Finally, a positive move by CSA. A former player, who has been there, done it and got the T shirt. He is joined by assistant coach Russell Domingo and bowling coach Allan Donald (former SA fast bowler).

Personally, Kirsten was one of my favourite batsmen to watch and I have no doubt that he is right man to help the Protea's get rid of their chokers tag.
_____________________________________________________________________
Kirsten played 101 Tests for SA with an average of 46 & 185 ODI's with an average of 41.
He has a First Class average of 48.


SS.

From Big Brother to little brother

Ryan Giggs is at it again. There, I said his name this time.

Fuck him and his super injunction.

Word has it, this "family man" has been shagging his little brothers wife. For the last eight years. There is a saying, "if its stiff stick it in" but this guy is taking it to a whole new level.

These allegations come in addition to his 7 month affair to Big Brother house mate Imogen Thomas.

Home-wrecker & home-wreckee.

What more can you say about this geyser? Success breeds success. Successful footballer succeeds in breaking up his family.

What have Ryan Giggs and Carbon Monoxide got in common? If undetected, they will fuck up your family.

Giggs' sister in law has started a career as a solo artist & is touring the UK. In fact, she's doing so well, she's doing 2 Giggs a night.

HAHA! Sucker!
______________________________________________________________________

SS.

I gotta get me one of these

The new Newcastle United strip.

Everyone's a fan. Ask Rob.
______________________________________________________________________
This is the new strip unveiled by Newcastle for the upcoming 2011/12 season. 
Now all they need to do  is find 11 players good enough to play in it.


SS.

Part time klepto, full time rugby player.

There are two weeks left before the much anticipated, hotly-disputed, bizarrely-implemented, Aussie-induced inaugural Super 15 playoffs.

Its the only league competition in world sport (that I am aware of) where you can finish 11th out of 15 teams and still make it to a quarter final.

This is all thanks to the Aussies. They have not had a decent team in Super Rugby since the Brumbies of '04, headed by those two twats, Larkham and Gregan.

As a result of this, the Aussies have got it right to get an extra team (The Melbourne Rebels, who are shyyyyte) into the Super 15 competition. Expanding the number of teams from 14 to 15, in hopes of increasing their chances of a Super Rugby title.

Each country now has 5 teams in the competition, with the new rule that each country will have an automatic quarter finalist, no matter if they finish outside the top 6 in the league, being implemented.

We're not that bad? Actually lads, we're pretty fucken shit ! 

The system has bizarrely worked out though in its first season, with the Reds, Stormer's and Blues occupying the first 3 places. All 3 teams are there on merit and not due to their geographic location.

The Reds have arguably been the best team so far in this years competition. Which is hard to admit, being a proud South African and Stormer's fan. The Reds have a key combination at 9 and 10, with Will Genia and Quade Cooper at the heart of all the great plays produced by the Reds this season so far.

Kleptomaniac

Quade Cooper (who was arrested in 2010 for burgling a house), especially, has been pivotal in the Red's surge to the top of Super Rugby. It's thanks to his form for the Reds that the other Aussie teams blushes have been spared and we don't have to see a team in 11th place qualify for the quarter finals only to lose by cricket score.

Still, the system is outlandish and bizarre. It might have worked this time round but it's certainly going to infuriate supporters of teams, who in the future, miss out on a quarter final place as a result of this new format.

A wise man once said, "Convicts will never be Gentleman". Or was that my flatmate? Mmmm.

______________________________________________________________________

Not sure how the new S15 format works? Check it out on www.superxv.com/format  

This weekends fixtures (10 & 11 June):

1. Chiefs v Hurricanes

2. Brumbies v Rebels

3. Crusaders v Blues

4. Waratahs v Highlanders

5. Force v Reds

6. Lions v Sharks

7. Stormers v Bulls                  

SS.