Money can buy you more than love

There is a new trend amongst British footballers. Have an affair with a smoking hot model/actress/socialite and cover it all up with a super injunction.

The definition of a super injunction:

"An injunction obtained in the secret convening of the court where in the result, the court file, the names of the parties and even the terms of the injunction order are secret except as between the parties, counsel, the judge and the court staff"

Thank you dictionary. In layman's terms, if any form of public media expose the "dirty business" these footballers get up to, they get sued for a lot of money.

So, if you are a rich footballer who can't keep his dick in his pants and happen to shag the flavour of the month and want to prevent the world (never mind your wife and 2 kids) from finding out, you pay your lawyers and the courts lot of money to impose a super injunction.

Culprit

The clear message to society then is: if you are stinking rich you can have affairs. If you're poor, you're fucked.

I don't want to mention the footballers name in this post (who knows, maybe they're watching, haha, that's a negative) with the latest case involving what many regarded to be the role model in British football.

It's believed that the footballer concerned had a 7 month affair with former Big Brother house mate, Imogen Thomas (pictured below). Portraying himself as a family man, being married with 2 children, he logically imposed a super injunction to prevent the news spreading.

Whoa! Are those free range?

However, social network site Twitter was spreading the news faster than Michael Schumacher in a Bugatti Veyron on the Autobahn.

Jokes about the affair have already circulated, with 2 catching my attention.

The first belongs to Jimmy Carr who posted on Twitter, "They say money can't buy you love. That's not true, it'll not only buy you love but a super injunction so no one finds out".

Another tweet read, "I tried to download the new Imogen Thomas sex tape but it was 11 gig's".

Oops, that slipped.

The super injunction law seems a bit outrageous, allowing theses cavalier footballers to act without a certain amount of consequence . I understand that everyone has the right to their privacy but if you are in the public eye you need to obey certain moral standards or suffer the consequences.

Look at poor Tiger.
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Funny hats, water bombs and white Maseratti's

Mario Balotelli is a 20 year old Italian footballer. In 2010 he moved to Manchester City from Inter Milan for £24 million. He earns £100,000 a week and drives a white Maserati.

£100,000 A week is a lot of money. For anyone, let alone a 20 year old.

HOT!!!!

Balotelli's relatively short career has been nothing short of conversational. He's outspoken, arrogant and at times can portray himself as a spoiled brat, on and off the field.

He played for Inter Milan, albeit being an outspoken, lifelong AC Milan fan. Inter's bitter rivals. No surprise then when he went on national television wearing an AC Milan shirt whilst still being an Inter player.

Playing for City

On Sunday, he was caught on camera throwing water bombs (with his brother Enoch) at a meeting of Serie A clubs in Milan. He should've been at the Manchester City end of season dinner (where he was named young player of the season) but had excused himself for personal reasons.

He has been fined £300,000 this season for various misdemeanours, including throwing darts at the Man City youth team. This is the type of shit he does. It's classic.

Balotelli's talent cannot be questioned

He doesn't just cause shit though. After winning £25,000 in a Manchester casino he gave a beggar £1,000. He has also been seen to give away £20 notes to guys selling the Big Issue without even taking the magazine.

So, the troubled young striker clearly has a softer side. Good for him. He also has a unique sense of style, starting a trend in Manchester after wearing a hat that looks like cow's udders.

Trend setter?

Personally, I like this guy. He wears funny hats, throws water bombs and gives to the poor. A modern day Robin Hood meets Crusty the Clown. What's not to like?

Don't answer that.
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Balotelli made his full Italian debut in 2010 against the Ivory Coast.


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Get that man a Bells

The Chennai Super Kings(CSK) are the most successful team in the history of the IPL. With last nights victory over the Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB), the defending champions are due to play in their 3rd final since the league's inception just four years ago.

The reason for this consistency can be debated. CSK have a great squad, with strength and depth in every department, a calm and disciplined coaching setup but over and above that, they have the coolest captain in world cricket.

A helmet? For what?

Mahendra Singh Dhoni is calmer under pressure than the dude in the Hurt Locker disarming those bombs. He opitimises cool and instils a sense of self belief in his team mates. This was clear last night as CSK pulled off an unlikely 6 wicket win over the RCB from the jaw's of defeat.

After 6 overs CSK were 25/2, needing 151 runs from the remaining 14 overs at 11 runs per over. Game over? I don't think so. Up steps Suresh Raina, scoring 73 not out of just 50 balls.

A Raina 6

At the 6 over mark and before the run chase began in earnest, Dhoni (who himself scored 29 off 19 balls himself) wasn't seen to be holding his head in his hands, wasn't seen to be biting his nails, no, he was smiling and sharing a joke with a fellow team mate whilst padding up.

This type of "cool under pressure" behaviour has become synonymous with Dhoni's leadership. His teams don't panic. Nothing is impossible. Besides his leadership, his contributions with the bat and gloves behind the stumps are invaluable to say the least.

His skill and bat speed are unique. He has the most skillful wrists in world cricket, allowing him to play shots no other can. If his wrists were his legs, Usain Bolt would be in trouble, they're that quick.

Never has the joke, "his so cool, he shits ice blocks" defined one man. Forget the Bells, get this man a Castle Light.

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The win for CSK was also due to the contribution from SA's own Albie Morkel, who scored 28 off 10 balls, including hitting the winning runs with a 6.
Chennai will now play in the final against the winner of Mumbai v Kolkatta, in Chennai, where they have not lost this season in 7 games.

Albie

SS.

A real surfer always has wax

I started surfing 18 months ago. I have been hooked ever since. Although I am still a rookie (or kook in surfers terms), my skill levels are increasing steadily.

A few months after starting I decided to take a drive out to Milnerton, the waves were 1 to 2ft, with a nice gentle offshore blowing, conditions were perfect for learning.

Wax on. Wax off.

I suited up, grabbed my board and as I was running down to the beach I realised that I had no wax on my board. Rookie error, I admit. There were plenty of surfers around, so I went up to this older guy (maybe in his early 50's) in the parking lot who had just finished his surf, and I asked;

"Hey man, can I please borrow some wax?"

He looked at me reluctantly for a few seconds and then gave the following response;

"A real surfer always has wax."

Not the answer I was expecting. After an awkward few seconds, he threw some wax at me. I smeared my board quick and thin, thanked him and was on my way. I didn't want this wankers wax on my board but I didn't have much choice.

This response opitimises the attitude and arrogance that I have found surfers to have. In the Western Cape at least, that is. Rarely is there any greeting of any kind in the water. I get that okes don't paddle out to have a social gathering but a little common courtesy and a smile to a fellow bru in the water isn't gonna kill you.

Sharks will.

Surfing in Sea Point a few months ago I was struck on the head by a fellow surfer's board. I was fine. He was not. Once he found out that I was OK, he insisted that I pay for the repair to his damaged board. After refusing to do so (as it was an accident), he then tried to get me to agree to pay for half the repair.

I paddled out after that. In disbelief.

Note to self (whether you're just starting out or you're a seasoned veteran), if you want you want to be a real surfer, always have your own wax.

Kelly doing his thing.

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In 2010, Kelly Slater won his 10th World Title reinforcing his status as the best surfer ever. 
He started 2011 where he left off previously, winning the first event of the ASP World Tour and is currently in 1st place after 2 events.
Jordy Smith, South Africa's hope at a World Cahmpion is currently 3rd overall.
There are 9 events left.

SS.

That Punch

And they say rugby isn't a barbaric sport. Well, for Leicester Tiger's number 13, Manu Tuilagi it is.

Check out the 3 hit combo on youtube (search Tuilagi Punch), the action starts 27 seconds in.

I Punch You

Tuilagi received an initial 10 week ban, later reduced to 5 weeks as he was deemed to have been provoked.

Whatever!

You can't retaliate like that in today's era of professional sport. His ban is light considering the violent nature of this attack.
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Result, 14 May 2011
Leicester 11 - Northampton 3
Leicester qualify for the Finals to play against Saracens on 28 May 2011

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Gayle Force

When the Indian Premier League (IPL) started back in April, I couldn't wait to see which players were to join what teams. Exciting stuff, especially as each of the 10 team's buy players by bidding for them. Like an auction.

A staggering 15 players sold for more that $1,000,000, 3 of which were South Africans (Jaques Kallis, AB de Villiers and Dale Steyn). Gautam Gambhir was the most expensive player, selling for $2,400,000 to the Kolkata Knight Riders.

Bling Bling, Money ain't a thing!

Top players like Mahendra Singh Dohni, Sachin Tendulkar and Shane Warne were retained by their original franchises and therefore were not up for auction. It was great to see how the star studded teams lined up. But there was one question on my mind. Why didn't anyone buy Chris Gayle?

According to cricinfo.com, he wasn't considered by any of the franchises as he was to play for the West Indies in a series against Pakistan¹ during April & May, smack-bang during the IPL. Problem is, he wasn't selected by the West Indies, as they looked to blood new players. A ludicrous decision.

Their loss was the Royal Challengers Bangalore's gain. He joined them after 5 games for a nominal fee of $400,000. The rest as they say is history (I couldn't resist that line, similarly my title, pun's are lame but like I say, I couldn't resist).

The BFG

Chris Gayle can be referred to as a BFG, and not the kind you find in a Roald Dahl novel. No, I'm talking about a Big Fucking Guy. This giant of a man stands 6ft 3inches tall and makes the cricket bat he clasps in his paws look like a toothpick.

In his first innings for Bangalore he scored 102 not out off just 55 balls at a strike rate of 185. He is an intimidating figure to bowl to as Parameswaran of Kochi Tuskers discovered when he smacked him for 37 in one over.

Gayle has since scored 436 runs in 7 innings (4 less innings than any other batsmen) with an average of 87.20 at a strike rate of 202. He is currently second in the chase for the orange cap² and I wouldn't bet against him on getting it.

His record speaks for itself, no bowler in this years tournament has figured the BFG out yet and for the love of the game and the sake of more DLF maximums³, lets hope none of them do.

Are those human hands?

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¹No Pakistan players are allowed to play in the IPL due to the international sanctions imposed on them by the ICC after terrorist attacks on the Sri Lankan tour bus in 2009.
²An orange cap is given to the batsmen with the most runs in the IPL. A purple cap is given to the bowler that takes the most wickets.
³ A DFL maximum is a sponsored term for a 6, commentators have to refer to all 6's by saying the sponsored companies name. 

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Super K@K

This season's unpredictability of the EPL (English Premier League) has seriously damaged my chances at achieving the bragging rights amongst my mates. You see, like most EPL fans, I play in the fantasy world that is SuperBru.

SuperBru is a sport's prediction website that allows you to make picks for sporting events. Its free and its competitive.

With only 12 points separating 13 teams (out of 20) in the EPL, the unpredictability is clear to see. Having watched the EPL since it was formed back in 1992¹, I can safely say that this season has had more shock results than ever before. Predicting the weather has been easier.

With 1 week left to go, only West Ham have been confirmed as being relegated and although Man United have been crowned champions for a record 19th time, Chelsea (defending EPL Champions) did push them down to the wire.

CHAMP19NS

Liverpool, Arsenal, Man City and Spurs were all expected to join Man Utd and Chelsea in the top 6. They did just that, not in the right order however, as Man City wedged out Liverpool and Spurs for a Champions League spot².

The rest of the clubs all experienced highs and lows, with games going either way. Any team could beat any team on the day. This happened more often than not. Only West Ham looked certain to be doomed, leaving the foot of the table only a couple of times.

A couple of West Ham fans shedding a tear

So each week, teams that were not supposed to win, did. This pattern kept repeating itself but despite this, I kept on picking the logical result. My Superbru win accuracy is therefore a disgraceful 42.60%. It's a reminder of my high school maths grade.

To illustrate my point, lets have a look at my picks for this past weekend:

Blackburn 1 v Man Utd 1
My Pick:               Man Utd to win 0 - 2
SuperBru Points:        0

West Brom 1 v Everton 0
My Pick:               1 -1 Draw 
SuperBru Points:        0

Chelsea 2 v Newcastle 2
My Pick:               Chelsea to win 3 - 0
SuperBru Points:        0

Arsenal 1 v Aston Villa 2
My Pick:               Arsenal to win 2 - 0 
SuperBru Points:        0

Wigan 3 v West Ham 2
My Pick:               1 -1 Draw
SuperBru Points:        0

Liverpool 0 v Spurs 2
My Pick:               Liverpool to win 2 -1
SuperBru Points:        0

That's a whopping total of 0, and I considered myself an expert in football. Yeah right, what a load of bollocks. Oh well, there is always next season, right? Right. Funny, where have I heard that before?

To join SuperBru, go to www.superbru.com to see how well you can do. That's a challenge.
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¹ The EPL was formed in 1992, following a decision from the clubs of the Football League First Division, to break away from the Football League and take advantage of  a lucrative television rights deal.
² The top 4 teams on the log in the EPL qualify for a Champions League spot with 5 & 6 going into the Europa League, depending on the winners of the FA & League Cup's.

SS.

FROTHING

As a regular coffee drinker, I am extremely fussy as to how my coffee is to be served. Strong, with richly frothed foam. My regular order is a cappuccino which consists of three equal parts.

1 Part espresso which is poured first.
1 Part frothed foam poured second.
Lastly, 1 part milk which is poured to fill up the coffee cup.

The secret to the success of a really good cappuccino depends on how well the milk is frothed. Hence, the action of frothing is important. Only of your milk that is.

You can also froth from the mouth.  This is not necessarily a good thing, especially if you are epileptic. The term can also be used to describe excitement or eagerness.

You see, I am part of a 5 a side indoor football team (8 okes in the squad) aptly named DreamTeam, playing in the Thursday division 1 league. We play one game a week which is 30 minutes long and consists of two equal halves with no offside rule.

As you can imagine, the life of an amateur footballer can be stressful with the on-goings of your day job and all. Therefore, our manager, yes you read correctly, manager, has the task of selecting our team, informing us of fixtures, making substitutes and giving those inspiring half time team talks. He's an Arsenal fan so we call him Arsene.  In stark contrast to Arsene Wenger, his managerial services (albeit part time) are purely pro-bono (as in free).

"Our Arsene"

                                                    

Arsene usually notifies the squad on a Tuesday of our upcoming fixture (time and opposition are disclosed) and our 8 names and positions are confirmed, in case we have forgotten our role in the team OR have been axed from it.

This email from Arsene is usually the start of a thread from the okes describing their willingness and excitement to play, with each individual email never longer than 2 words.  Some of the okes are so excited, they can't even type. So they send motivational pictures instead. Typical typed responses include:

• FROTHING (as in from the mouth, excitement induced and through no fault of a strobe light)
• AMPT (really excited)
  
• SUPER AMPT (really, really excited)

These few words (and pictures) set the tone. For the next three days we build ourselves up mentally and when Thursday morning arrives, we are literally FROTHING to play and play well.  Your palms are sweaty and your hands shaky, your day at work is just a means to an end.

All you can think of are those 30 minutes and just when you thought you could not get any more psyched for a game of amateur indoor football, your email inbox flashes, it's a message from a team mate, you open the mail only to read.......

FROTHING

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DreamTeam are currently 2nd on the Division 1 league table having played 3 games.
1 win, 1 loss and 1 draw.
Keep checking for updates and results from our season

SS.

Come on Citeh, Come on Citeh!

My best mate, who is an avid Spurs fan, has recently relocated to Manchester on a 1 year work contract.  It's the first time he has ever ventured to live in a foreign city. Big step.

As far as I know, there are only 3 positives about living in Manchester:

1. Watching football
2. Drinking beer
3. Drinking beer while watching football

I've also heard the rumour that there is an abundance of loose women, however, my source is a twenty year old student, so he cant be considered credible and my mate is married anyway.  Lets call my mate Rob.

Last night Spurs played Citeh and Rob was there watching.  No thanks to me who made him go buy tickets, lazy bastard.  And here's the proof of what £40 gets you:

Sent from his white iphone4 (fancy!)

I watched the game on the tele hoping that Spurs could pull off an unlikely win but David Silva and Yaya Toure were too good and they dictated the play from early on.  Spurs had a great chance to go 1 up but Luca Modric couldn't find the back of the net, missing by inches, after which I received this text on whatsapp from Rob:

BB Inbox:               "Christ"

Followed by:

BB Inbox:               "The police just removed a Spurs fan from the stadium, haha"

Soon after, Peter Crouch, who scored the winner in the same fixture last season (sending Spurs into the Champions League for the first time) scored an own goal.  This was to be the only goal of the game and ironically Peter Crouch had done it again, however, this time he sent Citeh into the Champions League for the first time.  Funny old game init.

This sent Citeh fans into delirium and Spurs fans back to the drawing board.  Oh well, there's always next season right? Right.  Who knows, maybe next year this time Rob is at the corresponding fixture wearing the baby blue of Citeh instead of the bridal white of Spurs, shouting the drunken slur: "fuck you ref, ya fucken waanker!".

But probably not.

So lets hope that in the year ahead, the city of Manchester can provide more than the 2 forms of entertainment mentioned above and the combination thereof for Rob and who knows, maybe Citeh fans are chanting their famous chant in the Champions League final.  Come on Citeh, Come on Citeh!

But probably not.
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Result, 10 May 2011
Manchester City 1 Tottenham Hotspurs 0
Crouch (og 30)

ss.